Intervention
by Kris6
Summary: Brittany is a bit of a pothead and a concerned Santana organizes an intervention with the rest of the glee kids. From there, things spin wildly out of her control.


**Intervention**

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you recognize.

**Spoilers**: Non-specific Season 2. Artie and Brittany are not together. Brief mention of _Wheels_ from Season 1.

**Summary**: Brittany is a bit of a pothead and a concerned Santana organizes an intervention with the rest of the glee kids. From there, things spin wildly out of her control.

**Warnings**: Liberal use of foul language. Drug references and non-graphic drug use should be a given considering the title and summary, all in a (hopefully) humorous and lighthearted way. Not beta-ed. Rating is mostly based on language and content.

**A/N**: There's going to be some out-of-character behavior from some of them, but it is at least explained by the events of the story and isn't too over-the-top.

**A/N 2**: My _Glee_-obsessed wife came up with the idea of this and, since I can't seem to say no to her, this story happened. I was originally going to try and make it a serious, angst-ridden story. However, my wife insisted on a scene with Brittany conversing with her cat and I realized that there was no way I could write this as an actual drama.

* * *

><p>"Shit. Shit. <em><strong>Shit<strong>_. _**Shit**_! _**Shit!**_" Santana starts out grumbling and ends up yelling, her frustration written all over her face as she waits impatiently for the light to turn green. "Fucking bug-eyed…Disney character-looking…Pain in my _**ass**_!" She shouts, checking the time once again. The Latina peels out once the light turns, leaving a burnt rubber skid-mark in her wake.

The former-Cheerio was supposed to be at Brittany's house 20 minutes ago. She would have been there early had a certain wide-eyed guidance counselor not called her up while she was on her way. For being so obsessive compulsive, it was a massive fuck up that Ms. Pillsbury forgot her manila envelope of who-the-fuck-knows pamphlets back in her office at school. Of course, this whole thing being her idea to begin with, the other woman thought the task of picking up said folder for her fell on the Latina. Now everyone was probably already there and, being 20 minutes late, it was only a matter of time before Brittany started asking questions…if she hadn't already, that is.

"Fuck. Fuckity-fuck. Shit! _**Fuck**_!" She growls, tightening her grip on the steering wheel and shaking it with both hands as if she were choking it. Pulling up in front of the house, Santana parks on the street where several other cars have already spilled out from the driveway. Snatching up the package of pamphlets, she gets out of her car, slamming the door behind her, and jogs up the driveway before walking right in like she has so many times before. "It's me! Sorry I'm late!" She calls out before entering the living room.

"Hey San!" Brittany grins, jumping up from where she was seated between Kurt and Blaine on the couch. She bounces over to the other girl and pulls her best friend into a tight hug. "We've been waiting for you," she chirps, pulling the girl with her back to the couch to sit next to her, Blaine and Kurt already having moved closer together.

Santana's seated at the end of the couch, all eyes on her. She takes in the tray of half-eaten pink-frosted cupcakes on the living room table and how everyone seems unusually calm considering the reason why they've gathered there in the first place. Sensing that something is off, she can't even appreciate the humor of Lauren having crammed an entire cupcake, paper and all, into her mouth with her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk and a ring of pink frosting surrounding her mouth. Even the fact that Brittany has taken to cuddling into her side with her head on the Latina's shoulder and both arms wrapped around the arm she doesn't have pinned to the end of the couch isn't enough to distract her.

Puzzled, Santana leans forward to glance around Brittany to look at Blaine. "What are you doing here? You don't even have anything to do with this," she questions him, knowing that she wouldn't have approved of his presence considering interventions were only supposed to include those closest to the person that this was supposed to be about.

"I invited him," Kurt explains, knowing that his boyfriend is the least of her worries. Santana narrows her eyes and opens her mouth to lay into the boy.

"Look San. I made those cupcakes you like," Brittany cuts in, looking up at her with an adoring smile and pride shining in her eyes. The shorter girl can't help but relax and return the smile.

"You should have one," Ms. Pillsbury nervously chimes in. "They're delicious," she adds after a moment, her lips quirking up into a smile of her own as Brittany eagerly snatches one off the table and thrusts it in Santana's face, the blonde grinning when the Latina reluctantly accepts it and starts peeling off the paper.

"Mmhmm," Rachel hums in agreement nodding spastically as she thoroughly sucks the frosting off her fingers.

The diva is seemingly oblivious to the fact that the other blonde former-Cheerio sitting next to her on the loveseat is off in her own world, meticulously scraping every last bit of cupcake possible of the paper with her teeth. Quinn is savoring each crumb, moaning in near-orgasmic pleasure before deciding to stuff the nearly cleaned cupcake paper in her mouth and suck on it contentedly. Tina releases a short burst of giggling before clasping both hands over her mouth in embarrassment. That only seems to set off the others into their own fits of laughter and Tina eventually gives in, removing her hands and joining in with their mirth.

A baffled Santana turns her questioning gaze back to Ms. Pillsbury, who is supposed to be mediating this thing. The redhead simply looks on with an amused smile and glazed, vacant eyes, her head slightly cocked to the side.

"What the _**fuck**_ B?" Santana asks as looks down at the blonde by her side, still looking up at her with adoration.

"San, don't be mad. I knew this was never supposed to be a glee club meeting," Brittany informs the other girl, a slight pout forming at the scowl developing on the Latina's face.

"_**What**_?" Santana asks sharply, glancing around to see if anyone else is planning on jumping in any time soon. No one seems too concerned…no one's even paying attention. She does a double-take at Sam sitting Indian-style on an ottoman in the corner, his left shoe having been removed so he could bring it up for easier access in chewing on his shoelaces.

"It's an intervention," the blonde replies nonchalantly after a moment, a pleasant smile returning to her face.

* * *

><p><strong>An Hour Ago<strong>

Brittany can't help but beam with pride as she finishes frosting the last of the cupcakes. Having already indulged in one or two herself, she finds the rest of the large bowl of neon pink frosting to look more than appetizing. Hopping up on the counter, she glances up at the clock as she scoops up a glob of the frosting with the rubber spatula and brings it up to her mouth. The sound of scratching brings her attention to the obese cat stretching up against the counter to try and reach the bowl on her lap. Smiling affectionately at her companion, Brittany sets the bowl aside so she can lean down and haul the hefty beast up so he's seated beside her on the counter.

With the bowl back on her lap, she grabs an extra spoon from the drawer next to her dangling legs, scooping up a heaping mound of the frosting and setting it in front of the cat. "Thanks Lord Tubbington. I don't think I could have done this without you," Brittany smiles gratefully down at him. He pauses in licking the sugary mess to stare at her before turning back to his treat. "No need to rub it in. You know how confusing recipes are for me," she rolls her eyes, her words muffled somewhat by the mass of frosting crammed in her mouth. Both her and her cat content with their deserved reward for a job well done on the cupcakes. Brittany especially pleased given that he approved her hard work, having already scarfed down two of them on his own.

The blonde glances up at the clock, her taste buds dancing at the sugar melting in her mouth. A smile graces her lips as she thinks about how it won't be long until the glee club and Ms. Pillsbury show up. Her smile faltering slightly, she thinks about how upset Santana might be when she shows up. Lord Tubbington interrupts her thoughts with a meow. Refilling her cat's spoon with more frosting, her smile returns as she considers how sweet the other girl was the other day when they were hanging out at the other girl's house.

"San told me that Rachel thought it would be good for the group to meet over the summer and that it would be a good idea to meet here," Brittany chuckles at the memory as explains to her cat, answering his question about why they made so many, before looking back at him, his gaze still inquisitive. "She said we couldn't meet there since Rachel's dads refused to let the club do anything unsupervised at their house since they found out about that party," she rolls her eyes obviously before meeting his eyes again. "Come on, you _**know**_ why," she breathes out in exasperation.

The cat meows again, this time sitting up and swatting at the frosting covered spatula in Brittany's hand, knocking it to the floor. Shooting a glare at her temperamental cat, she sets down the bowl and grabs a wad of paper towels as she hops down off the counter. After tossing the dirtied spatula in the sink, she proceeds to clean up the mess.

"You know how San is about people invading her space. She'd have spent the rest of summer pissed off and complaining about the 'stench of failure' permeating around her house. Besides, I wouldn't trust her not to try something to get rid of Rachel. She's still hasn't forgiven her for Nationals," Brittany continues as she cleans up the mess. Standing back up, she finds her cat face-deep in the bowl of remaining frosting.

Lord Tubbington glances up when she stops talking, guiltily averting his eyes to stare at the pink, sticky wad of paper towels in her hand. With an affectionate smile, Brittany scratches his back, avoiding the top of his head because of the clumps of frosting sticking to it.

"Yes, I _**know**_ she never really meant that we were going to have an actual glee meeting here. We've been over this twenty times already. It _**was**_ my idea after all," Brittany rolls her eyes, playfully tugging on the end of his tail and laughing when he swats lazily at her. "Okay, fine," she concedes with a smile. "But Rachel and Kurt would probably not have been as willing to help had I told them _**you**_ came up with this plan in the first place," she tells him.

The cat folds his ears back and hisses, taking a swipe at her as she reaches out to pet him again. He relaxes when she raises her hands in surrender. "Don't get mad at _**me**_. _**I**_ know that you're a genius when it comes to these things. I mean, hello, if it weren't for you I'd never have been able to talk San into coming to the dentist with me to share that super-hot Britney fantasy," she says in a placating manner. He curls up to the side of the coffee pot and stares at her before licking at his paw and rubbing it over his head to get the frosting off.

Brittany chuckles at his question. "Well, apparently San is concerned about me being a pothead," she answers, smirking as he pauses his grooming to stare at her, his whiskers twitching and tail swishing in amusement. "Yeah. I _**know**_. She's _**totally**_ worse sometimes," she laughs at his response, but narrows her eyes at him after a moment. "Don't be such a hypocrite. We both know you have a problem and don't think I've forgotten that," she tells him sternly, earning herself another hiss in response. "Yes, I am perfectly aware that your last intervention was a disaster, but Santana and I care about you."

Turning his head away, Lord Tubbington stares at the Donald Duck magnet on the refrigerator. "Yes she does…She _**does**_!" Brittany insists. "No more arguing," she says firmly, placing the bowl he licked clean in the sink, sighing when she hears him knock the Donald Duck magnet off the fridge. "You _**know**_ how proud we are of you for quitting drinking…Yes, I know 6 months is a _**very**_ big deal…_**Yes**_, especially in cat years," she replies, trying to keep her exasperation in check.

Hopping down off the counter, he begins to rub against her leg, meowing softly. Brittany's eyes widen and she drops her gaze down at him. "No, you may _**not**_ have another cupcake," she states, almost furiously, hands on her hips. "Oh, I think you _**know**_ why," she scoffs, not buying his act for a minute.

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

"Who told you?" Santana asks, glaring at each of the room's occupants accusingly in an attempt to determine who spilled the secret to the blonde.

"San, this was kinda my idea," Brittany confesses with a sweet smile, hoping that keeping her tone light will be enough to prevent the Latina from blowing up. With a hiss, Lord Tubbington takes a swipe at her ankle. Wincing, she shoots a brief glare down at her cat. "Tubbs helped," she admits with an eye roll just to appease her cat.

"If this was your idea, why are we even here? All you had to do was come to me and tell me that you needed help and I never would've bothered getting these losers together," the Latina sighs, wishing she had known so she could've saved herself the trouble.

At this Brittany giggles, which has the chain reaction of sending the others into fits of chuckling and giggling of their own. "Silly, this isn't an intervention for _**me**_," she grins.

Santana pauses mid-chew, already nearly finished with her first cupcake after two bites. "Eshoos muh?" She immediately blurts out, not taking the fact that her mouth is full into consideration. After swallowing the wad of icing and cupcake in her mouth down hard, she repeats herself. "_**Excuse me**_?" Is the growled question before she angrily stuffs the rest of the cupcake in her mouth.

"We're here for _**you**_," Kurt rolls his eyes, distracting the Latina enough that a covetous Quinn is able to quickly snatch the cupcake paper from her and begins to scrape the remnants off of it.

The dark-haired girl barely spares the shorter blonde a dirty look. "What are you talking about? _**I**_ don't have a problem," she snorts in disbelief. "Brittany's the one that spends most of her waking hours stoned out of her gourd…or haven't you noticed?" She sneers, reaching for another cupcake.

Tina releases another spurt of laughter, completely ignoring Finn sitting by the coffee table struggling to bend his arm so he can lick the frosting off of his elbow. The boy is totally unaware that it would be physically impossible for him to actually lick his elbow, but no one really cares enough to tell him.

"Girl, this isn't about pot," Mercedes explains, amused by Sam sitting by her with one of his sweaty socks pulled over his hand and carrying on a conversation with it…in Na'vi.

"Then what _**is**_ this?" Santana growls, idly smacking Quinn's hand away as the girl tries to grab the half-eaten cupcake from her hand.

"It's a 'Lesbivention'," Kurt smirks, trying valiantly to hold back a grin when Blaine drops his head into the smaller boy's shoulder, his body shaking with silent laughter.

"What the fu-"

"That's 'lesbian intervention'. I came up with it myself," Rachel announces proudly in explanation, inadvertently cutting off the Latina's presumably expletive-filled rant.

There are no words to do justice to the amount of rage (and humiliation) Santana feels right now. So, she chooses to express herself the only way she can think of right now: she smashes the rest of her cupcake on the small diva's face. Since she didn't have a slushy readily available to dispose of on the other girl's head, the Latina had to improvise. What Santana _**doesn't**_ anticipate is the hungry, longing look that Quinn fixes on the cupcake and frosting smeared on the giggling singer's face.

"Oh _**hells**_ to the muthafuckin' nah!" Santana exclaims with eyes widened in horror as she reaches over and grabs the other blonde by the back of her shirt resulting in the front collar being pulled up and choking her until she gives in and leans back. "It's gonna be a cold day in hell 'afores I just sit here and watch you gets all up in the Hobgoblin's grill and start lickin' a fucking cupcake off her face," she snaps, grabbing a wad of napkins and pushing them on Rachel's face, letting go when the smaller girl reaches up to take over in wiping herself clean.

"Stop being so mean San. We're only here to help you," Brittany pouts from the Latina's side.

"I don't even know what you're talking about with the…whatever the hell it is," Santana grumbles, shifting uncomfortably.

"Lesbivention," Finn chirps idly as he holds Lord Tubbington in his arms like a baby, rapidly rocking the poor cat back and forth before letting him back down on his feet.

"Ugh, whatever," Santana mumbles, sinking down in her seat as much as possible with a tall blonde practically draped over her side. She watches with mild amusement as the obese cat staggers over to Rachel and jumps on her lap so he can start licking at the cupcake and frosting off the girl's face and shirt.

"Yeah, we just want you to know that you don't have to hide who you really are. It's okay to just be yourself," Brittany explains softly. "I know that, even if you don't want to admit it, that it's hurting you to pretend you're something you're not," she continues with a sad expression, soothingly rubbing a hand on her friend's arm when she feels the girl getting tense at the direction of the conversation.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Santana petulantly deadpans, not convincing anyone.

"Dude, just admit you're a lesbian. All of us already know and no one cares," Puck points out nonchalantly.

"I…uh…I'm…I'm not a lesbian," Santana sputters, caught off guard by his bluntness. "I'm _**not**_!" She insists forcefully upon seeing everyone's skeptical expressions.

"Oh please," Quinn scoffs as she takes the cupcake covered napkins from Rachel, staring lovingly at them. "You're totally mega-gay. Just deal with it so we can all collectively await the next drama that everyone _**knows**_ is coming sooner or later," she rolls her eyes.

"And seriously, just suck it up and tell Brittany that you're in love with her already. Like, really, it's just fucking pathetic at this point. It's not like she doesn't already know anyways," Lauren pipes in before diving for another cupcake.

"It's not like we _**all**_ don't already know it," Artie speaks up for the first time, waking up only a few moments ago and realized that he'd rolled himself into one of the far corners of the room.

"Yeah, it's kinda gross how in love you two are with each other but still aren't together 'cause you ain't nuthin' but a little bitch," Mercedes says with a look just daring the other girl to contradict her.

Santana keeps her eyes down, instead focusing her attention on watching Lord Tubbington tiredly roll off Rachel's lap and drag himself over to Ms. Pillsbury, curling up on the sleeping red-head's feet.

"Come on you guys. I'm sure this can't be easy on her," Tina defends the Latina, much to everyone's surprise, especially Santana who actually looks up and arches an eyebrow. "Besides, it's kind of sweet and romantic, you know? Two best friends…falling in love…overcoming the insecurities and obstacles preventing them from being together so they can live happily ever after," she sighs wistfully with a faraway smile.

"Aw," Mike coos, lovingly pulling his girlfriend into his arms.

"Like soul mates," Rachel thoughtfully agrees, quietly longing for a classic storybook romance and timeless love of her own as she rests her head on Quinn's shoulder.

"See, Santana? Soul mates," Brittany smiles encouragingly. "That means I'm not going anywhere and the more you fight this, the more time you waste that we could be spending being happily ever after," she adds cheekily.

"But my parents-"

"They already know. They aren't blind…or deaf," the blonde smirks mischievously, much to the other girl's embarrassment.

"Please no details," Mercedes snorts, not needing to hear anything about her friends' sex life.

"Speak for yourself, the Puckster is all ears, Ladies," Puck wags his eyebrows suggestively before his girlfriend smacks him upside his head.

Santana barely spares the boy a glare before briefly flitting her eyes over the other glee clubbers, her gaze briefly lingering on the encouraging smiles from Kurt and Blaine. "Okay, fine," she groans in exasperation from having everyone pushing her. "I…I'm…I'm gay," she finally manages to get out after tripping slightly over her words, blushing deeply at the admission but thankful that Brittany's the only one close enough and perceptive enough to notice.

"No shit," Lauren scoffs obviously.

Not even bothering to acknowledge the other girl, Santana keeps her gaze fixed on the blonde attached to her side. "And I'm in love with you," she tells her, not even pretending that she's talking to anyone but Brittany.

"Finally!" Kurt rolls his eyes at the long-awaited declaration.

A beaming Brittany surges forward to catch the Latina's lips with her own, a hand snaking behind her neck to keep the other girl from moving away. Moments later, she pulls away with a grin. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?" She smirks cheekily. Unable to form any words, Santana just shakes her head and ignores the chorus of 'aww's and Puck's catcalls, a goofy smile spreading over her features.

"We should totally order pizza!" Sam announces out of nowhere, speaking through his sweaty sock-puppet without moving his lips. His suggestion is met with cheering and everyone talking over everyone else to discuss toppings. Santana finds herself craving chips and ice cream, which she finds unusual since she only ever is in the mood for junk food when…

"Hey Britt," the Latina says, only continuing once she gets the blonde's attention. "What kind of cupcakes were those?" She asks hesitantly, already having an idea as she considers everyone's unusual behavior since she walked in.

"They're the ones from the bake sale last year that you liked so much," Brittany smiles sweetly, knowing that those were her best friend's favorite.

Santana almost misses what the dancer says because she is too distracted watching Quinn snatch cupcakes off the tray on the table and putting them in her purse, mindless of the mess she's making inside the aforementioned purse. "The bake sale?" She asks suspiciously once Brittany's words sink in.

"Yeah. I used Puck's recipe," a proud Brittany replies and the others in the room quiet down some at this bit of news…until Puck releases an obnoxious bark of laughter.

Resisting the urge to slap herself in the forehead at not seeing this earlier, Santana simply smiles affectionately at the other girl. "You _**do**_ know that you got everyone in here high, don't you?" She questions.

"Of course," Brittany shrugs nonchalantly. "I figured we should all be relaxed and not stressed out when we were all talking about you being a latex homosexual," she further explains her motives, not understanding the fit of laughter that follows.

"That's '_**latent**_ homosexual'," Santana corrects with a cringe.

"Whatever," Brittany brushes it off since it doesn't particularly matter much to her anyways. Soon enough everyone is back to bickering about pizza toppings, buffalo wings and cheese sticks. Except Brittany and Santana.

"Let's go up to your room. I want you all to myself," Santana whispers into Brittany's hair loud enough for only the other girl to hear her.

Seeing the Latina's eyes begin to cloud over with lust, the blonde wants nothing more than want some alone time with her too. "Sweet lady kisses?" She asks with an eyebrow arched questioningly.

"And maybe working on makin' lady-babies too," the smaller girl husks out suggestively.

"Are we girlfriends now?" Brittany wonders hopefully, barely able to keep herself from pouncing on the other girl after her last proposition.

"I hope so," Santana bites her lip nervously, unprepared for the blonde detaching herself from her side and 'casually' standing up. The Latina furrows her brow in confusion and concern. "Where are you…" she trails off when the taller girl holds out her pinky. With a grin, the brunette hooks her own pinky with it and stands up to follow her _**girlfriend**_, everyone else to stoned and distracted to notice.

Before Santana and Brittany can make it two steps, an unpleasant '_gak gak gak_' sound gets their attention and causes them to turn around. Lord Tubbington crouched down by Miss Pillsbury's shoes with his body heaving. A few more yakking noises are followed by '_hoark hooarrrk hoooaarrk_ ' as he throws up globs of gooey, pink frosting, partially digested cupcake, and fur into the guidance counselor's left shoe. A sickened Santana is also able to discern two pennies, half of a dead bug, two _Scrabble_ letter tiles (an R and an N), and a cigarette butt.

"Maybe we should go to your house instead," Brittany suggests quietly, her own face screwed up in disgust. Santana nods in agreement. Neither are particularly interested in being around when the redhead wakes up and slides her foot in a gross pool of cold cat vomit. The resulting freak-out of the OCD guidance counselor would be a total buzzkill.

So, without attracting any undue attention to themselves, the girls slip out the front door and drive off to gets their mack on in private.

* * *

><p>I've only recently gotten into this show, along with my wife (yes, we live in a state where it's actually <em><strong>legal<strong>_ for us to be married). As soon as we were caught up on the recent episodes and we saw _Sexy_, I knew I had to start writing stuff for it. The only reason that is at all relevant is because it feels like I am still getting a feel for writing these characters so I apologize if it just doesn't seem to work. This story is me testing the waters with writing for this fandom. To be perfectly honest, I think the ending feels a little rushed, but I'll let you guys be the judge.

Any criticisms and comments are welcome and, of course, if you like it, I certainly want to know since I would never object to praise. However, even if you hated it, tell me so I can know what I need to improve on.

This is getting too long so, while I respectfully _**encourage**_ you to review, I'm not going to beg for it like I often see writers on here do. All that really matters to me is that you enjoy the read.


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